Valerie Bertinelli, the renowned actress and chef, has opened up about her past relationships, expressing regret and a sense of responsibility for her experiences. During a recent guest appearance on the podcast “Navigating Narcissism” hosted by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Bertinelli discussed the emotional challenges she faced in her two most recent romantic partnerships.
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Reflecting on her journey, Bertinelli revealed that while she can identify the pain in her first marriage to the late Eddie Van Halen, the grief stemming from her subsequent relationships was far more acute. She poignantly acknowledged the shame she feels for allowing herself to be treated poorly, stating, “I feel a lot of shame for allowing myself to be treated the way I was treated. A lot of shame.”
Bertinelli, who married Van Halen in 1981 before their separation in 2007, later tied the knot with financial planner Tom Vitale in 2011. Their marriage lasted until 2022. Most recently, she was involved with writer Mike Goodnough for about ten months; however, the couple parted ways in November 2024. This succession of relationships has left Bertinelli pondering the lessons learned and the feelings of inadequacy she has grappled with.
During the podcast, Dr. Ramani encouraged Bertinelli to reflect on her past experiences, saying, “You didn’t allow it because you didn’t know what was happening, right?” In response, Bertinelli underscored her awareness of emotional intelligence, acknowledging her attempts to set boundaries in her relationships by stating, “Hey, don’t speak to me that way.” Despite this, she admitted to often succumbing to the very behaviours she sought to reject.
A significant turning point for Bertinelli came when she realised the importance of taking charge of her own happiness. “At a certain point, it has to be my responsibility to say ‘I’ve had enough. I’m walking away now,’” she asserted. This self-awareness marks a crucial step in her journey toward healing and empowerment.
Dr. Ramani further outlined the challenges that accompany asserting oneself in unhealthy relationships, including potential pushback in the form of gaslighting and manipulation. Bertinelli acknowledged this struggle, noting that her crucial lesson was to avoid engaging in negative dynamics. “And that’s where my whole responsibility is to not engage again. And which I finally did,” she affirmed.
Furthermore, Bertinelli reflected on the end of her relationship with Goodnough in a cover story for PEOPLE magazine earlier this year. She described how her experiences, despite being painful, provided her with life-altering insights. “Here’s the thing about big loud mistakes; I was given the opportunity to learn a really deep life-changing lesson and that is what I’m grateful for,” she shared. “Oh god, did I learn a lot. And if I ever start dating again, I ain’t talking about it for a long time. I got to see if it works out first.”
While Bertinelli is open to the idea of dating again, she emphasised her desire for healthier dynamics moving forward. “I’m not ruling it out. There’s so many great men out there. I love men, but I don’t want them to make me crazy and I don’t want to make them crazy,” she concluded.
Bertinelli’s reflections provide not only a glimpse into her personal struggles but also a broader message about the importance of emotional health and self-respect. As she continues her journey of self-discovery, her experiences resonate with many individuals navigating the complexities of love and relationships in today’s world.