Googling Like a Mother: I Didn’t Have a Village to Teach Me How to Parent. But I Did Have the Internet (Exclusive)

### Breaking Generational Cycles: A Journey Through Motherhood and Heritage

In an enlightening reflection, Jane Park offers a compelling look into her experiences with motherhood and the generational challenges that shape her parenting style. As the first in her family to delve into literature on child-rearing, Park’s journey unfolds the complexities of navigating her own upbringing while striving to offer her children a different experience.

Park recalls her father’s distinctive style of affection, characterised by a peculiar hug that combines both embracing and distancing. This duality left her feeling uncomfortable with physical closeness, leading to anxieties about her maternal instincts. The prospect of having children was daunting for her, especially as she feared she might inadvertently perpetuate her family’s emotional detachment.

Growing up in a Korean-Canadian household, the notion of emotional well-being was seldom discussed. Her parents, shaped by their own harrowing experiences during the Korean War, adopted a survivalist approach to parenting. Survival meant providing the essentials: food and clothing. Complaints were seen as ungratefulness, rooted in the trauma passed down through generations. Park’s childhood environment was one where emotional expression was stifled, causing her spirit to twist under the weight of inherited pain and fear.

As an adult, Park grappled with intense periods of depression and anxiety. When she attempted to discuss her struggles with her mother, the conversation was abruptly cut short. This lack of dialogue about mental health, heightened by familial trauma, compounded her feelings of isolation. It wasn’t until a poignant moment shared in an airport that Park learned of her grandfather’s tragic death by suicide, revealing the deeper family wounds that remained unspoken for so long.

Amidst her struggles, Park found solace and understanding amongst fellow second-generation Korean-Canadians. They shared a collective consciousness shaped by the Confucian principles of family honour and roles. Yet, within the predominantly Anglo-Canadian culture of the 1980s, Park often felt out of place. The warmth of physical affection and open communication displayed in her peers’ families starkly contrasted with her own upbringing, leaving her feeling awkward during shared family moments.

Turning thirty-eight, Park encountered the stark reality that her fertility window was closing. Though initially ambivalent about motherhood, she felt compelled to embrace this possibility. Together with her husband, they took a chance on having children, and soon she was welcoming a newborn into a world where she felt drastically underprepared.

The early days of motherhood proved tumultuous as she contended with uncertainties regarding her infant’s care. Park faced multiple challenges, including a terrifying hospital visit when she realised her baby was not receiving enough nourishment. Despite the chaos, she harnessed the power of modern technology, turning to Google for guidance on parenting—a resource her mother and grandmother lacked.

Determined to navigate motherhood with skill, Park approached her parenting journey as if undertaking a rigorous academic course. She amassed knowledge from various parenting styles and experts, resolving to do the opposite of what her parents had done. Embracing touch and encouraging emotional expression became central to her parenting philosophy, paving the way for healthier familial interactions.

Through her growth as a mother, Park began to confront the unresolved pain of her childhood. Even ordinary moments, such as her toddler’s tantrums, could trigger deep-seated emotions. She sought to understand her past by researching attachment theory and the impacts of orphanages, allowing herself to grieve for the childhood she never had.

As Park navigates the complexities of being a parent, she is acutely aware of her family’s legacy. Reflecting on the expectations placed on her father as the eldest son, she acknowledges the burden of cultural responsibility. Her realisation that prioritising emotional well-being is a privilege not afforded to past generations underscores the transformative power of her journey.

Park’s efforts to instil confidence and emotional intelligence in her two sons are slowly bearing fruit. Unlike her own childhood, her children embody resilience and self-assurance. Together, they cultivate a nurturing space where emotions can be expressed freely, breaking away from the silence that marked her upbringing.

As she continues to learn the nuances of motherhood, Jane Park embraces the present, cherishing moments of joy with her children. She acknowledges that while she may never become a proficient hugger, her sons’ demands for affection serve as a testament to the love and connection she strives to foster.

Through her debut novel, “Inheritance,” Park captures the complexities of her experience and aims to create a legacy that contrasts sharply with her own upbringing. Her story is a powerful reminder that change is a gradual process, and with each generation, there is a chance to heal and redefine familial relationships for the better.