My Ma, the Saints, and Me: ‘When I Lived on the Farm, I Thought It Was Haunted. Now I Know It Is’ (Exclusive)

**Reflections on Faith and Loss: A Personal Journey with Prayer**

Isaac Fitzgerald’s connection to Saint Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, began unexpectedly at the age of twelve. Fitzgerald’s mother, affectionately known as “ma,” presented him with his first Saint Jude medal, a gesture laden with significance given the tumultuous path he was already carving out. At that age, Fitzgerald was deep into a life of mischief, engaging in reckless behaviour that included joyrides in stolen cars and partaking in substances with much older peers. It was a period in his youth where, by all accounts, a mother might urgently reach out in prayer.

Before his life of youthful indiscretion took shape, Fitzgerald recalls a time of serenity shared with his mother, when they would pray together in their Boston apartment. Their prayers were often a source of solace amidst the instability that enveloped their lives. They were at a halfway house run by the Catholic Worker, a setting which offered both refuge and reflection before they moved to his grandmother’s dilapidated farm in North Central Massachusetts.

In those earlier days, Fitzgerald would kneel beside his mother, hands clasped tightly as he earnestly sought divine intervention, believing that the intensity of his concentration would hasten his prayers to God. His understanding of the divine at that time was simplistic, almost akin to viewing God as a benevolent Santa Claus. These moments were punctuated by frequent appeals to Saint Anthony of Padua, particularly when items were misplaced—a portrayal of a loving mother searching high and low, with Fitzgerald reciting heartfelt prayers to recover lost belongings, from her car keys to his own childish escapades.

With time, as Fitzgerald ventured into adolescence, his mother’s concern grew. The Saint Jude medal she gifted became symbolic of her anxieties about his behaviour. Moreover, as Fitzgerald began to explore the world beyond their small family home, he often pondered whether his mother felt she was losing him altogether. During his teenage years, he left home to attend boarding school, later finding work in New Hampshire, and eventually relocating across the country to California, where he replaced spiritual practices with vices.

Their long-distance conversations became a lifeline, though gaps of years often bridged only by ritual. Fitzgerald reflects on a poignant reminder from his mother, who mentioned that the mother of a friend from his youth was still praying for him. This revelation stirred in him the reality that his own mother had also been imploring for his wellbeing through troubled times.

In the years that followed, Fitzgerald navigated life with both successes and struggles, eventually finding his way back to the East Coast. His return marked a significant moment of reconnection with family amid the complexities of his mother’s life, which had seen its own transformations as she faced the challenges of caring for her elderly mother on the family farm.

Tragically, Fitzgerald’s mother ultimately succumbed to her own battles, passing away unexpectedly. Her death, shrouded in layers of incomprehensible sadness, came after the loss of her sister—a haunting series of events that culminated in Fitzgerald grappling with the profound implications of her absence. The complexity of grief was further heightened by questions of whether there was something he could have done to alleviate her pain.

Days after he learned of her death, Fitzgerald discovered a printout in her car detailing how to tie a noose, accompanied by a prayer to Saint Jude. This finding deepened his quest for understanding, melding his past religious experiences with the harsh realities of loss. He was compelled to reflect on the unanswered questions surrounding her final moments and the nature of her silent suffering.

In the aftermath of her death, Fitzgerald continued a practice that had long been a part of his life: prayer. Yet, each act of supplication served as both an homage to his mother and a means of grappling with his own tangled emotions. His ritual involved invoking the names of saints and reciting prayers, cherishing the connection that remained despite her profound absence. Fitzgerald has come to terms with the notion that while he has lost much, the bond with his mother, along with the lessons imparted through faith, continue to influence his present.

In the echo of Saint Anthony’s words—“Something is lost and cannot be found”—Fitzgerald acknowledges the complexities of loss and the relationships that shape his understanding of love, grief, and healing. With Saint Jude close to his heart, he walks through life expressing gratitude for the moments spent with his mother, a woman whose profound impact will forever resonate through the prayers he continues to utter.

Fitzgerald’s journey is emblematic of a broader human experience—navigating relationships, facing loss, and seeking solace through faith. His reflections serve as a poignant reminder of the enduring connections we hold with those we love, even when they are no longer physically present.