When My Marriage Ended, I Turned to an Unlikely Source: Women Who Talk to the Dead (Exclusive)

In her reflective essay, Sarah Domet sheds light on her journey of self-discovery following the end of her marriage, exploring how the influence of historical figures can guide contemporary women as they navigate their own identities. Through her lens, she unveils the ways women have historically claimed power, often by channeling their voices through the spirits of remarkable predecessors.

As she grapples with the aftermath of her divorce, Domet describes a series of transformative actions typical of many women seeking reinvention at a crossroads. She cut her hair, experimented with tattoos, and refreshed her wardrobe—all actions that felt like a costume for a rejuvenated version of herself. She also took up jogging, attended dance classes, and began documenting her mundane moments through selfies. However, upon reflection, she realised that rather than repackaging herself anew, she was invoking the spirit of a historical figure that had long cast a shadow over her life: Victoria Woodhull.

Woodhull, an extraordinary woman in the 19th century, is remembered as the first woman to run for president of the United States in 1872, and her platform included the radical advocacy for free love and sexual autonomy. Domet, having discovered Woodhull during her college years while conducting research on notable literary women from Ohio, found herself captivated by Woodhull’s fearless defiance of societal norms. The curse of invisibility that often accompanies womanhood intrigued Domet, who saw in Woodhull’s story a means of understanding the ways women can claim visibility in oppressive circumstances.

In recent months, Domet’s view of Woodhull has shifted from admiration for her audacity to a nuanced understanding of her strategy. She questions a culture that insists women must disown their own voices in favour of greater authority. The historical context of spiritualism, a movement that allowed women to assume positions of influence through purported connections with the supernatural, resonates with Domet’s own revival after her marriage’s demise. Spiritualist women, like Mina Crandon—known as ‘Margery’—used the guise of otherworldly communication to gain attention and respect in public spaces, ultimately challenging the gender norms of their time.

As Domet embarked on her emotional journey post-divorce, she began to understand that she wasn’t just seeking a new version of herself but rather an authentic self that had been obscured. In a moment of reflection while getting her hair cut, she felt an unexpected sense of liberation. The act shed away not only her physical hair but also the weight of conforming to societal expectations. Domet recognised her selfies and attempts to re-engage with the outside world as rituals—akin to seances—through which she asserted her existence and reclaimed her identity.

This introspection leads Domet to confront the sad reality that time had chipped away at her once audacious spirit, as she found herself adopting roles that stifled her individuality. The college student who had delighted in self-expression through pink hair and piercings had seemingly faded into the background of her own life. The shift in her identity became painfully clear when examining family photographs, where she scarcely recognised the woman staring back at her—a woman masked by societal conditioning and expectations.

Domet’s journey reflects a broader collective experience among women who grapple with visibility in a society that often marginalises their experiences. She looks at public figures like Chappell Roan, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Amber Glenn, who push boundaries through their performances and embody their truths in ways that reshape cultural perceptions. Each, in their respective arenas, reclaims authority over their identities by refusing to submit to the confines of conventional expectations.

As she continues to be inspired by Woodhull and her contemporaries, Domet acknowledges that the reclamation of voice is an ongoing process—an exchange of small acts of defiance and visibility that culminate in agency. From cutting her hair to asserting her presence on social media, she learns the importance of performance in accessing personal authenticity rather than viewing it solely as a means of self-presentation.

In the end, Domet reflects on her path as more than just a search for a ‘new’ self but an awakening and rediscovery of all her possible selves. The spirit of the audacious young woman she once was remains alive within her, waiting to emerge as she embraces the complexities and power of her identity. The journey to reclaim one’s voice and visibility is never quite straightforward, but with role models like Woodhull illuminating the way, it becomes clear that women can continue to carve out their spaces with courage and determination.

Sarah Domet’s latest book, “Everything Lost Returns,” captures this exploration of identity and self-reclamation and is now available in bookshops across the country.